Who we are

PEOPLE DON'T KNOW YOU.

I guess the weight of this sentence just got into my head once I've started to realize who I am. Actually, not exactly who I am, but understanding that being me is not that simple - which means I finally started to see how much I'm worth which sounds like progress.
When I was taking the TESOL course there was Fernanda, a brazilian girl from Brasilia. She and I never got to talk much, though it felt like we should, but we just kept it slow.
As time went by, we turned out to get along pretty well, though she looked like someone that wouldn't relate to me, as if she were just too "by the book". There was one day that I got in the school and instantly when I looked at her I knew something was wrong.
- Hey, so when are you going back to Brazil?
- Right after the course.
- Wouldn't you like to stay?
- Oh, no. I have to go back.
- Oh, really?
- You know, I'm engaged...
- Oh, true! When are you getting married?
- Soon! - she didn't smile when she said that.
- I'm sorry, are you ok?
- No, not really.
- Yeah, I could tell... what's wrong?
- Do you remember I told you about the story of a guy that texted me "Wanna hook up?"
- Yeah. You asked me what it meant.
- Well, you see... I don't know... we do things when we are alone... I don't know, I just wanna go home - she started to cry. I couldn't tell if she was crying because she felt alone or because something had happened. So I just said what I felt when I was feeling alone.
- I know... you just wanted to be near people that know you. - She cried harder and mumbled a yes, so I continued - People that spent time with you, won't just act as if you are something you're not because... you know... they know you. - She was crying too much now, so I thought it would be better if I just stopped.
- Yes... that's it.
- Just remember this, what we do, doesn't define us. We have our reasons for doing what we do and only we will fully understand those reasons. Don't let anyone take that from you. I guess it makes you deal better with what happens.
I don't know if she understood what I meant, but she nodded anyway.
Then I just started talking about something else because people from our class started to arrive and started to talk to her and ask her what had happened and she looked at me and I understood that it was just going to make things worse.

I don't know if it's a brazilian thing, if it was just our thing or if it's a human thing. The fact is that I am myself before being anybody else. Wherever I go, whatever the time, I never left home being somebody else, even on days that I wanted to. The days I did feel like somebody else, it just wouldn't last. I ended up being whoever it is that I am. And it seems to be a big problem in this culture.
It seems that having an alternative identity, an exterior identity is more important than being who you are inside... and at some point it makes sense - at least in a society where looks means everything.
Let's put it like this:
There is a gap between who you are and who people think you are. The way people think you are is basically who you are to society, and that judgement is never done through an analysis, but taken with the first impression people have of you. First impression means looks.
That first impression will determine who people think you are and they will act as if you were that person because they don't know any better. And at this point you should really be sure of who you are because this is when people tend to hurt you... me, at least.
People start talking to me as if I were this hunk sexy brazilian guy, taking me totally for granted. Once I went to bed with them - because that is what they expect and that's what I do -, they would find I am this other guy, sweet, caring, clever, smart... they got surprised. But then, they weren't "buying" a nice guy when they took you to bed. They were getting a guy to fuck, and that's all you're ever gonna be. They actually believe it harder because if you're not with someone at this point, it means you just want sex. Also, they think you were faking everything you did or that you have issues because you are a little bit too much - if you give yourself too much up front, you might have some issues.

This is the first impression people have when I walk down the street: I'm hot and cute - I've heard it countless times so no, I'm not being cocky.
But I must say: I feel handsome and I am fairly fit. I am brazilian, which is exotic, I dance well and at some point I look cute. So I am phisycally attractive and people will take me for that. But that's not all of who I am, so I keep on getting hurt or misunderstood.

And then I got the sentence: PEOPLE DON'T KNOW YOU.
Right after that, another thought came to me: YOU CAN MAKE THEM THINK YOU ARE WHOEVER YOU WANT THEM TO.

And my conclusion to this whole thing was:

People think you are something that is based on your looks, and it is different from who you are. So first, you become physically the image you want to give people - whatever that is. And with that, you should try to keep away the ones that have absolutely nothing to do with you. Doing that, you will see, you'll start to have control over who you want and who you don't want to meet. And after that, it's time to select the ones you want to show who you really are.

And you do it gradually, for then you'll know who deserves you. You'll observe the ones you want to be with you. And you'll figure out who are the ones that are faking it all the time. No, I don't mean Adam. 

I don't think he was fake. I think he played safe. If you think about it, he never said much about himself. What do you know about him? So yes, he didn't open himself as much as you did, and you got hurt because you took the chances and you assumed he wanted to know you better. 

You know, when we listen to people carefully they are much more likely to stick with us. If you listen well, they will stay, because they will think you understand them or at least that you are interested in getting to understand all of their madness. You took Adam for granted just as much as he did.

So you "outer" self will protect you "inner" self. And being physically attractive just makes us have more power over who we want to be next to us. 

So understand this Leo: you still don't fully understand how much you affect people. You may never fully understand. But you must be sure of who you are, who you want people to think you are and manage it - find the balance. And management doesn't mean lack of excitment. Things can still be exciting and be taken slowly. And you will learn how to appreciate taking the necessary time. You will get it once you see you're getting hurt much less.