Demon #2

I am the one who should know about social roles. I've had them all. It seems that during the course of my life I've done nothing but to try to live up to people's expectations, trying to be someone people would like, people would care about.
In that way, the person who I really thought I was got erased by this versions that ended up doing better than that first person I thought I was, so I just let go.
Sometimes, I would meet some guys and they would talk. Just talk. And the way that  those guys showed emotion, in a way that was so similar to mine, made me fall in love with those guys. Even for one night, even for a moment whatsoever. I think I was so traumatized by the way my dad didn't show emotions, and I was so different from that... and actually, I never saw guys as sensitive as I've always been.
So that's when the silence started to take over me. Soon I was one of these guys that put depressing songs on the radio and would lie on the bedroom's floor, starring at the cieling, wondering who he was and who he was supposed to be. If there were supposed to be a gap between those two, and if there was, why?
Why was it that we would have to go through life inventing people we were not?
Because of that, I never felt anyone cared about me. Only about the person I was trying to be. Something that, for me, was unatural.
Occasionally, one person would see me for who I was, as fragile as I was and I would give them all of my tenderness. I don't know why. Maybe I believed that if I gave people all the love I had, they would stay. They would see all that I really am and they would want to stay. So I would smother people with so much love that it would end up turning into guilt, so in that way they would have to be with me.
I've been the fat introvert kid, the fat nerd, the nerd that went bad, the rebel gay guy, the gay guy from university, the crazy bitch, the excellent student of something, the ascending professional of an area. I was the guy that lost a lot of weight, I was the gay nerd guy, I started to be the hot guy, then I turned into the foreigner which led to brazilian hot guy... but never me. I've always felt like a stranger in these skins.
And my honest self is so vulnerable and so open that when I see some indications of someone that is like that, I just rely 100% on that person's feelings because I know that it has to be unique.
And all the people I loved, just cared about some traits of mine. The ones that would be interesting for them. But at the end, they would always find boyfriends, other friends. And I always ended up alone.
I got used to people leaving, I got used to people that after years of friendship just treat you like crap. I learned that there should always be the humilliated guy, the funny guy, the gay guy... and I could be all of those.
At some point, people started to be enemies and me, even if I could be open to anyone I wanted, I was just fake. I would always push people away, I would always deal with my demons alone.
I don't know how it happened. I don't know why it happened.
All I know is that I don't believe anyone that says that likes me or loves me. For me, that love is not real, almost irrelevant. As if, if I died, people would be a bit affected but everyone would just be fine after a couple of days. As if I was just this storm that went by their lives.
I think I don't matter, I think people don't care and if they do, they care about this fraction of who I am, the part of me that I know they will like.
Right now, I'm trying to figure out how much damage that growing up this way did. I'm trying to understand because I know some parts of my behaviour are not natural. And I have to be better. I have to be someone else. But I still don't know if I can be me. Does that sound desperate, lonely, sad, depressing? I don't know... it all seems so natural to me...