I never thought I was amade for greatness.
Achieving great things in life always seemed to be too distant for me to get, but I didn't know something else would drive me, more strongly than I could imagine something ever would. Today, I might analyze a couple of things and see exactly when was it that such greatness came to me.
And it wasn't about changing the world, it wasn't just about dreaming of a different life. It was the unquestionable and constant search and pure survival.
Whenever it was that I became a great person, it walked side to side to the decision of letting go of life. They all happened in the moment that I had the option of doing whatever it was I wanted or just kill myself instead.
I think of the things in this generation of mine is that life sucks. You'll have to find a job, a career, your life might not be your own, your work will occupy more than 40% of your daily time, relationships don't last, drugs and ways to destroy your life are everywhere. There's so much pressure into becoming something good that it seems there is no more joy in living.
There's no more singing, no more emotions. There's just this achievement's list we have to get as soon as we can. Not to mention the constant reminders of the ones we will become if we don't run and make our life as perfect as it can sound - the criminals, the homeless, the ordinary people that apparently have no reason to be alive at all.
As a kid, what can I say? I was fat, I was ugly and as far as I can remember I was gay - always hanging around with the girls, doing girlish stuff like games, dolls, etc. Not too long after I realized I was a person - it basically happened when other people saw me as a person, and believe me it wasn't that thrilling.
As a person, I took all the roles I had to - the youngest son of 3 children, the fat kid, the weird guy. As a son, I tried my best to be the best. Not the best of us in the family, but the best I could to make my parents proud.
My parents come from a very poor background. I remember my mom telling stories about how my grandmother could only afford beef left overs in the market and that my mom's family would still have to share those leftover among 6 people sometimes. And I remember my father, and how it seemed he was one of the worst influences anyone could have in their lives. My dad was poor, and I think very angry as well. I remember some tales of him beating people up, getting beated up, getting into fights, having sex, drinking and all.
And then I also remember hearing about the days that my mom's mom had actually offered to give my dad a car so he woulnd't marry my mom - even if he'd got her pregnant. My grandmother just hated the idea of having my dad as a part of her family, and my mom was just caught up in the middle of it.
Another memory I have is a Sunday afternoon lunch, when my mom said how she had planned to have an abortion for every single one of us - her kids. She had scheduled my brother's abortion, bought some sort of medicine to kill my sister and scheduled my abortion as well. I love the way people get shocked when I say my mom actually acknowledged she didn't want any of us. But how could she have wanted kids if she didn't have any money to support them and the father of these kids was just a no one, with no place to drop dead?
Anyway, my parents ended up getting married and lived in a crappy place for a long time, at least until I was born.
When I was born my parents had already started to get their shit together. My father had started a career as a sales representative in a pharmaceutical company and my mom was a telephonist - I don't even know if this is a word in English because I don't even know when and how this was an occupation.
As a kid, I was raised with the help of my neighbours. Lots of them would have me in their houses while my parents were working and my siblings were at school. There was Tia Lourdes, Hilda, Helena, Ana. All of them would bathe me, feed me, keep me busy until my mom and dad would come back home, pick me up and then I'd play in my own bedroom.
It's funny to write this down because right now when I get to close my eyes I can remember the days my parents would carry me on their arms in the morning to my neighbours' houses. I pretended to be asleep because I wouldn't want to walk, or because I was kind of sleeping but somehow knew they were taking me somewhere.
This was my life up until my mom got fired from her job - because apparently there was no need for telephonists anymore. As for our family life, I could never say exactly what was going on. Apparently it took some time until my father realize he was the man of the family. Rumor has it that there were days he would get home so drunk he couldn't even climb up the stairs and would sleep on the couch - my mom would tell my brother and my sister that he had been working all night long and got home really tired.
I've always had this weird feeling about my parents and my family. It was as if at the same time they were trying to manage the family, they really didn't know what they were doing. They were just trying to make the best out of it, whatever that meant. My dad would try to get as much money as he could, my mom would manage things at home, specially our sickness.
My brother was the healthiest of us, I guess. My sister was a bit worse than I was, because I never actually had to be taken into the hospital because of my breathing problems. I don't know if there's a relation to that or not, but my parents have been smokers for as long as I can remember - and my mom had no problem saying she kept on smoking through all of her three pregnancies - maybe a reflection to unwanted kids or whatever psychological conclusion you might take from it.
So we were all having asthma attacks when we were kids, and being poor as we were we couldn't afford going to doctors all the time, add to that the fact that my mom's mom was a nurse and well, we'd get all the medicine and treatment we needed in our place - so no, going to the doctor was no much of a habit for us.
All and all it seemed that we were on a tightrope all the time. Whether it was for financial reasons or just that we didn't know how we would end up. But through this entire time there was this feeling that our job was to survive and if we got to do so, it would be enough. Because most of my father's friend got killed in robberies, by drug use or anything related to life's underdogs. And all my mom knew was poverty as well. So there was no much sense of greatness for us, as if we were not entitled to be great, because we were poor, because we were not even meant to be born, and my parents were the unwanted underdogs that were trying to do the best to raise their kids.
And that message was constatly sent to me. I am never going to be great, for greatness is meant for the rich ones, the ones that were born in a different reality. God was the only one that knew it could never live up like that. Not that I knew I was meant for greatness, but that my mind, my heart, my sould would just drive me to achieving great things. Things that I didn't actually see were great. Things that meant only my survival.
I don't know exactly why I'm saying I'm great or I've achieved great things. Basically because people say I'm brave for doing all the stuff I did, getting where I am.
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