The path to your own fulfillment in life, towards your happiness, is a lonely road. Crowded, but yet lonely.
People will go by you, people will hang out for a while but only very few will stay. Stay... stay until when? Can people run together untill their lives are over? Were we really supposed to believe that or was that just another of human's invention?
I don't think it was. Humans are social beings. And that's not me, that's science.
The only thing that have been keeping me sane this week, as ironic as it is, are the classes I gave . It's about bonding with your students, sharing. It's about being useful to other people. Normally, my loneliness is not just about having people to give me attention but being wanted, necessary or just useful. And I felt it again this week. And once again I was faced with the feeling that I absolutely cannot go back to Brazil.
What life is there for me, if the life I've always wanted I found here?
Today I had a changed thought.
Initially I felt like a kid tapping his shoes on the floor just to annoy his parents. Crying, screaming, begging "I want to stay, I want to stay, I want to stay". Maybe it was the abscence of my parents, maybe it was the weed, but the point is that another me came and just bitchslapped the kid. The kid was shocked and relieved. It was what he was waiting for his own life. Other people to stop slapping him for no particular reason but just for being annoying. He got slapped by the person he was about to become and said: "If you want to stay, do everything you can. Great efforts bring great results, you know that".
And that was the moment that I decided that I'm going to do absolutely everything I can to stay and study filmmaking and go back to Brazil for vacations.
Two images that came to my mind helped my decision.
The first one is me, I'm 30 years old, smoking weed in my room, earning quite of a good buck, still living with my parents. This idea terrified me so much that it just made me laugh my ass out. And then there was me in a my house, with my backyard, my dog, having my family as guests. I pictured myself watching my niece and my nephew playing on my yard. Running around, free from any kind of concerns that bothered us when we were in Brazil. I was so happy for receiving my family and I felt like everything was definetly ok. I did good in never listening to those sad, suicidal thoughts. Life was worth being lived.
As for the reasons for staying, it really does seem that Adam was taking me as a summer love. It breaks my heart. I really thought he was the one. I haven't given up, but I am stepping aside for a while. My thoughts are still on him, and for him they shall be... because I don't remember being as happy as I was by his side.
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