I wanna register everything I can so I can remember why is it that I fell in love with Adam. I hope that writing about it will help me to let go of this and just move on.
First, there was the way I kept on looking at him from the distance. He seemed normal at first, which was very comforting.
After that, there was the smile he gave once he saw me. It wasn't as if he were evaluating me like - oh, he's not that fit, oh he's good looking - it was just a smile that said "I'm happy to see you" and I could reply in the same way.
Then there was the way that our chat seemed natural. We would go from movies, to books, to whatever we wanted and the sense of humour was great between us. He actually laughed at one of my jokes and sent it to his best friend.
And then the first kiss. We was going to put his bottle of beer on the bar, leaned his head over mine and kissed me. It was a very good kiss. And a second point.
The way we looked at each other after the kiss - and the look meant "Yeah, it was good. Damn".
After that we decided together what to do - go to his place, smoke weed, order food and talk.
His friends came along and we actually had a good time. I didn't feel misplaced, things seemed good.
When we were high and he was having a cigarrette, there was this moment when he asked about me. Somethings about my past. And I guess that was the strongest moment of them all: the attention in his eyes while I spoke, that sympathy he showed without judging me too much. It felt as if he actually cared about each and every word, as if sharing was very important for him.
Our kisses were very passionate. And the sex was indescribable. We had time to actually look at each other and smile again, and by smiling I tried to show how much I cared about him, and also try to give him the fuck of his life.
Watching was so hot, I could've fucked him the whole night long, but I guess he'd get tired of that so we finished up and I gave him a massage. I put some of my favorite songs to play, and he seemed to have enjoyed it pretty much.
To end our sunday, we slept. And I don't remember being as comfortable on a bed next to a person as I was with him.
In the morning, we went to this restaurant he likes. We had pancakes and he looked at me sometimes. He was just observing. That way you would observe something you admire. And I would do the same. And we would look at each other in that same way...
After that we went back to his place, got high again and shared songs that we liked. We talked a bit about movies and what we were going to do that day. The previous day he said he wanted to see me again on Monday, but I didn't keep on talking about it because I didn't want to seem to "all over him". He scheduled everything and the second date was set.
On that day, I went to the Cetral Park, and besides being yelled at, there was this man asking for money in exchange of his poetry. He seemed like a pretty simple guy but with so much heart that I ended up buying one. And here's the poem he gave me:
"Let's love
Let's love one another
No matter what we see
Who are we to judge each other
We must allow each other to be
We are all created beings
Fearless, unlimited and free
That alone is proof to us
That life's aim is just to be
To be yourself is important
To be yourself is for real
To be oneself is vital
Can you understand this
Can you deal
When you judge another
You deplete your inner wealth
So let's love one another
No matter what we see
Cause when we love one another
We allow ourselves to be free
STRIVE TO DO YOUR BEST!
AND LET GOD DO THE REST!!!
To all with love
From Willie G
The poet of New York City"
As simple as his poem was, so was his message and so truthful and it made so much sense - I mean, how could you not see that as a message?
And all I did was walking around remembering the previous day, thinking about what I could do next to just blow him away.
I decided to change clothes, so I got a quite nice outfit and went to our date. I thought about buying flowers but I don't think he was interested in that and that might have been too much for a second date. He had the same clothes on and seemed pretty tired. All I wanted was to give him that massage again.
We talked on that day. We talked about relationships, how tricky they were, how was it that it felt so difficult to trust someone or to even give a try to relationships after being screwed up - even by yourself in the rush of having a relationship. We all made those mistakes and were afraid of making them again.
He called me one of the sweetest man that he had ever met and he cried. I am normally the one that cries, but he did and it was beautiful. It was just one tear that roled down while he looked at me. I gave him a hug that might have seemed misplaced, but I just wanted to let him know there was nothing to cry about.
At that moment, he brought up past lives, something I've believed in for quite a while but don't talk about it because some people just find weird. He said he had met before, and I felt the same. I said I didn't want to miss the night without him and he said he wanted me to stay too. So we set that we'd have to wake up at 6h30 so I could take the bus back to the hotel and finally go back to Toronto.
We had sex again and this time I felt the lack of sleep got into me. I didn't give him the best massage and I might have snored too much, I don't know. What I do know is that he woke me up at 7h30 and well, I was fucked. But he gave me 100 dollars so I could take a taxi back to the hotel, which really amazed me. It was really nice of him. And I felt mortified. I'm always uncomfortable when it comes to money, God knows why.
Once I got back to Toronto, I realized I had got used to having people around. Chatting, laughing and all. And I was back home, alone as usual. There was nothing else to rely on but the memories of that weekend and the hope of having one as good as that first one, but here in Toronto. We talked about sharing so many things that I actually started to look forward to them.
So I decided to devote to him and do something nice. I wanted to read a book, so I sent him a second copy so we could read together and he told me I was the sweetest man he had ever met and I felt I had done something right, that would motivate the setting of a date for our next meeting. It didn't motivate much I guess.
He said he had thought of me very fondly, and that I was his gatu. But there was this distance. This lack of commitment I felt. Firstly demonstrated when I mentioned his visit to Toronto. He said he would do his best. I really don't think that, if you really wanna see someone, you do your best - you do everything you can. Maybe they mean the same thing but it "do my best" for me is the same as the minimum effort. And then he said "it is difficult because we live in different spaces". And that's just an excuse for not trying harder.
Me, on this side of the rope, got more anxious as the days flew by. No sign of a gift he said he had sent me, no sign that he had received my letter. Nothing... I wrote so many letters. Filled with love, anger, regret... I still write a lot of letter directed to him but only one got sent.
I read a text that talked about why is it that we fall in love with someone. And it made total sense for me falling for Adam. And it didn't make sense the way he treated me over the weekend just to disappear afterwards.
People say that the important part is to let go. Not talk too much with the person, make the other one miss you. But I already missed him and knew I wouldn't be able to have him in a month so why was it that I would avoid contact?
I kept thinking day after day about the reasons he would act as if he didn't care about me anymore. But I didn't have any. So I was living the other days, looking at people that I knew wouldn't compare to him as just couldn't even talk to them without seeing him. I didn't want that, I didn't choose that... but we met and it happened to me. And I didn't know if it had happened to him. And then the questions were: if it did, then why wouldn't he say anything? if it didn't, then why wouldn't he just tell me to fuck off?
I don't know if I should try to make him understand how lonely it can get around here and that he is the closest person physically that I want to be next to. Even his friends are such great people that I could be around them always. I wonder if he knows what it's like to be far away from everyone you care about.
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