Whenever you think you are in love with a person, give them a chance to prove themselves to be the one you believe they are.
Then accept two possibilities: whether they are or they aren't.

The end

I've been questioning myself how is it that I felt once I found out he had another man.

It's like losing. Everything you lose after putting up a fight.

But I guess it's more about the loss of how life would have been. It's that moment that you see you are no longer in similar paths. That every single bit of hope you had is gone.

It's the rope you can no longer hold on to. It's when you realize you were wrong. That it wasn't your love story... that it's not meant to happen yet, and that, that person is not who you thought it was.

But then, if you are hurt, make sure to be for something you actually fought for. Most people suffer without even trying - but I get it... pretending a loss hurts less than experiencing one...

I fought for him, I made my efforts, I tried.. I made mistakes, and did good things too. I was true to my feelings and to what I wanted to do. And it didn't work... it wasn't worth it...

So it's time to forgive my own heart... it's time to acknowledge my humanity. It's time to see the things I believe in and check if they are really what I want for myself. Time to reevaluate, maybe...

Either way, it's time to move on.

Hurt

Feeling hurt doesn't change with time.
It just feels like we are more foolish than we ever thought we could be.
It diminishes all the times we told ourselves we would act as if we knew better.

Eu nao acho que precisava ter miado, ou que mesmo miando da gente se ver e conversar, muito dificilmente o que eu digo por aqui seria diferente do que eu diria pessoalmente. A gente sempre tem a oportunidade de fazer mais com o que mas por algum motivo a gente nunca fez esse esforco e eu nao entendo o porque.

And scene

Leo blind folds _________________ and drives. Leo gives ______ an mp3 player an plays a recording. Here's what the recording said:

There were times when I dated guys for a while, but I never felt those butterflies in my stomach. I started to think it was not meant to be that way for a grown man - feeling like a vulnerable teenager. But then, there was always something missing. Even if the guy were all I've ever wanted in a man.
But then, there was this one man that made me feel all of it all, all at once, with no disappointment. And he kept it that way for 2 entire days - which means that in life I found out that it takes less than 2 days for jerks start to be jerks.
There were times that the butterflies were there, but it didn't leave certain spaces. The bedroom, the living room, the same movie theater, always only the two of you. That love that existed with a certain script - anything out of that box would cause the feeling that you were dealing with a stranger or that you could not put up with certain things in other situations.
So either relationships were serious but with no passion or just a passionate sparkle. Until the 2-day man.
This 2-day man haunts me beautifully. I am a fool for him. Even now when I don't have him, I've been learning more and more of why I would ever want to  be with him. If I may try to explain, I will quote one of the songs I dedicated him: My every thought is of you.
Yes, my every thought is of him. And I don't understand why, specially because I thought I would be like this with someone that would do the same gestures, even in his own way. But this man, nothing.
I really do believe it will take a long time, maybe this lifetime to make him feel the same for me. Even then, I don't feel like loving anybody else. It's haunting, confusing and terrible if I try to hold it to myself.
All this situation made me think about what I want with a man, what I believed in, in terms of a relationship.
Despite the haunting part, I hope you will feel glad to be my muse, my inspiration for all of this. Let's talk about this man as if I'm talking to you then:
I want you to know my past. I want to show you old pictures of myself and show you my old school. Where I got my first job, where I went to University. I want you to know my baggage and you will do your best to try to understand, just as I will do with yours.
We will share dreams and goals and we'll make plans for all of them. We will have our own life style and we will build it together, sharing what we've always wanted or believed the perfect relationship would be, because we want to give it to each other. From the most simple up to the craziest, I will share my dreams with you, I will love to hear yours and we'll make a bucket list. On my side I might include:
- Visit Machu Pichu, Santiago de Compostela, Cuba, Cancun, Antartida, Dubai, Berlin, France, Amsterdam, London, Greece, Italy, Dublin, Dubai, Australia, Japan, New Zealand, Mexico, Brazil - and other destinations we feel like. Bottom line, we will be travelers.
- Property. A house near the beach shall be the first, then one apartment wherever we want, a house in the country and other properties we decide to buy together.
- Family. Yes, I might want to be a father. I just say might because I'm frightened of it but I believe I have knowledge to pass on, I believe raising a kid with you will be simply beautiful.
- Parties. No, I am not the club kind of guy but having friends over, cooking for them is a pleasure - if there's property, there must be people enjoying them, right?
- You will have to understand that I am an old lover. I will show up at your work, cook special meals, take you away on a surprise trip, buy flowers and chocolate and everything that come in my head to make you feel loved. Which doesn't mean we won't fight, have individual moments.
- I will meet your family. And just like this and many others to come, I will make a drama of it. I have fun with drama, and you will be able to not take me seriously in these moments. But you will hold my hand, and you won't complain when I squeeze it seconds before I actually get to meet them. And I will dress up.
- I will not talk about the way I will propose to you, because it might spoil a surprise, so let's just move on.
- I will love to welcome you when you get some. Some days, I'll be listening to this.... some days, to this..... some days, to this one.... and whatever it was that might have been bothering on a grey day, either to me or to you, it shall pass with our company.
- We will be able to watch and re-watch TV shows and movies we love. We will be able to talk about them, make fun of them and have marathons.
- We will never be afraid to ask: what do you want to do tonight?
- We will have joint hobbies and individual hobbies. We will talk and understand the need for individual things, when they are needed.
- We will take pictures and make movies of our happy moments.
These are some of the things. I believe everyone has these things - criteria or whatever you wanna call them. And if they were true to them, they would realize that finding someone to share all of that and then they would understand why people say love is hard - but it is possible.
I am a man...a family man who knows what he wants and whoever wants to be with me should know what he wants as well.
Fortunately, I see you. Somehow I want to do all of these things with you, and I think you've got what it takes. All of the things I stated above demand commitment, which is why I believe in marriage. Because in marriage, we make vows, all of these are mine.
So in the bad days, we will turn to these written words and we will remember.

This is the end of the recording. Please do not attempt to take out the fold or reply to this message. If we are not there yet, here's a playlist for you:

In Love

I was questioned on the matter of how it felt to feel in love with someone and, of course, I just couldn't stop thinking of it. So I want to describe my emotions of when I fell and was in love with someone.
There's this way you see this person that is just different. There is this curiosity and interest in getting to know this person deeper, because you admire the way they are. There is this sweetness and tenderness in your eyes that make you feel silly and safe at the same time. There are things you can share, plans you can make together and a list of "to do"'s so extense that you know you will need a lifetime to enjoy it all.
It's a person that makes you laugh a bit every day and a person that will make sex feel so much more than what people have been doing lately. It's the one that shares his vision of happiness of you two together and you will feel vunerable and comfortable enough to share your most intimate desires.
This person will be always worthy of trust and forgiveness, for no one is more than human. This person will understand what Ohana means and, if they don't, they will be willing to learn it from you and explore it with you.
You'll want to protect this person from harm, but you'll also know this is a person of its own, so you'll learn to watch. Step in when necessary, step out when asked to.
You will wish to be able to cuddle with this person at night, you'll be able to talk about anything, even about what hurts.
You might end up crying, thinking about how good this person can do to you and how much you want to give it back.
You'll have each others' back, no matter what.
And at last, you will feel like kings of your own land.

It is extremely difficult to conclude whether I'm going crazy or I'm in the right path.

All I know is that there's a feeling. There's a feeling of emptiness that I could only perceive as the total block of the life I haven't written for myself, the one I'm living now.

What are we living for, I wonder. Because human race has lost every single battle it started, even the ones against itself. We have proved only to be undignified of the world we are living in and the feelings we have been given.

I feel right now that teaching English has occupied 5 years of my life and yet it's given nothing back to me but to be my source of income. And, as crazy as it may sound, I've been inclined to refuse the idea of being defined by the source of income I must have.

I've prayed every single day for my ignorance. To have it restored. So I could be happy with a minimum wage and idiotic concerns. I wish I wasn't in between life's two extremes.

I don't want to commit to something I don't believe in. And I don't believe I will be happy or successful by building this English teaching company. I don't believe I will be happy next to Ryan. But then, there isn't a sign of knowing what it is that is going to make me happy, or something that will make me feel fullfilled.

If I were to kill myself, it would've been with a purpose, or even as a solution, but simply a scape. As I returned to this bedroom and this life, I feel small again. I feel as if there wasn't much waiting for me in the future. And at the same time, it feels that if I'm ready to accept how small life made me, then I'm as good as dead.

It feels like I have to find the faith for myself and hold on to it.

Some conclusions

It is pointless to think about the passage of time. Time will pass, people will die, things will change, you will move. Nothing is forever, as everything is in constant movement. Don't believe anything they say when they tell you you can't be someone or do something. Great efforts bring great rewards. Take responsibility for the things you want. Give love to the ones you believe you should, learn

to receive the love you get. Accept the friends life gives you. Don't trust your judgement, for it is based on your experience and there's so much more to know than what you believe exists. Live every day as if you're dying, because you are. Take care of the things life gave you, they're there for a reason. #someconclusions