o amor.

- Voce ja se apaixonou?
- Sim
- E como foi?
- Foi bom pra caralho.
- Hahaha, bom assim?
- Eh! Eh tipo querer sorrir o dia todo. Eh tipo querer dar bom dia praquela vizinha fofoqueira. Eh ter uma pessoa em pensamento que esquenta o coracao. Eh o esforco para garantir a felicidade de alguem que vai garantir a sua tambem. Eh alguem para voce construir um imperio de uma vida que voces dois querem para si.
- Mas e cade seu amor?
- Ah, foi embora... ele faz isso as vezes...
- Por que?
- Pra gente tah sempre descobrindo ele de novo... ele muda, cresce, foge, fica, fica, fica e um dia vai.
- Complicado esse amor, neh?
- Que nada, ele entende das coisas...
- Nao parece... parece que ninguem nem sabe o que ele eh e todo mundo fica tentando achar o que e por que.
- Viu?! A gente nao esquece o filho da puta nunca...

Goodbye

Dear Adam,
Goodbye.

Goodbye for I no longer have the strenght to keep up with, what seems to be for the most part of it, mind games.

Despite all the signs and some things that you said, I kept on making efforts to try to win you over, make you feel loved and like it coming from me. Whatever it is I call it, all of my efforts seemed to be useless.

The questions I would like to have answered are the following:
- Were you just playing pretend with me?
- If yes, then why would you do this to another person?
- If not, why didn't you try harder?

I love you in a way that it just can't be rationalized, I've tried. I've tried summing and subtracting to make you disappear from my head, but it just doesn't happen. And it seems the more I try to forget, the worse I wish you were around. And let's face the fact it would be the best for me to just move on and get away from you.

Fact is, and always will be, that I will always be waiting for to show up by my doorsteps. You are the guy I thought that something could work out - and I never thought I would be willing to do the distant-relationship thing. But as you said, you are selfish, manic and lazy and I can't be with a man like that. I don't think you are those things, I just think they are what you were thinking about giving to me.  Maybe you think that's all you are or maybe you were just saying something to make me satisfied and shut me up.

I could never surely get whether you were giving me your best or your worst, but the doubt can no longer haunt my thoughts before I go to bed.

Anyway... falling in love with you, having my heart broken by you changed me. And I can no longer be broken. It's time to pick up the pieces, move on and never look back.

You fucked me up real bad but I wish you all the best.

The end

- Oh well...
- Well what?
- I'm not sure what you expect, but, you know...
- No, I don't, how could I?
- You don't have to...
- You were about to make a point
- It's complicated... you live in Brazil, I live here
- Oh so that's it?
- No, and there's me. I'm selfish and manic.
- You're not selfish and manic, you're just american.
- What?
- I'm sorry, really... seriously I'm gonna jet.  I don't know, but I can't listen to your shit anymore.
- Excuse me?
- Look, be happy, be here, be stuck. Live here with everything that you will ever need, because everything is here in this city.
- No, that's not what I meant...
- I need a man, alright? I need a man that understands what it means to want to be together. A man that gets that this is it. The stories I tell about myself are the leaps I take in life. And whoever wants to be with me needs to be enough of a man to understand that. You clearly are not. You are lazy, you make no efforts, you reply a fucking facebook message and think that's enough. You know what you should learn? Great efforts bring great results and until you're willing to make a real one, you're gonna be living in this shitty self-pitty cycle you call life. Can I go now? Why the fuck am I asking you that? Bye.

Prove me right, prove me wrong

Suddenly there is this feeling I don't know how I got here.

Why is it that I'm in love with you again?

I don't know if the reasons are gone or just forgotten, but the fact is I don't have feelings as strong as I used to. 

I don't think of you with graciousness  anymore... it's just like the song said "now you're just somebody that I used to know"...

On the other it just seems logical. I told myself that after the xmas gifts I would let go, and so I did... God knows I almost didn't send them. I don't know if I would have if I had to decide today.

Your lack of actions, your disregard to my efforts were just so evident that I just couldn't avoid seeing it.

All the beautiful words mean nothing when they're not supported by actions. What exactly did you do recently? 

I wonder if it was just a matter of time till I feel sceptical about you and the man you are. You don't seem to be that special at all anymore.

The worst part of it all is that deep inside I'm still waiting for you to prove me wrong.

Reflexao

Para aqueles que não são capazes de crer, existem os ritos; para aqueles que não são capazes de inspirar respeito por si mesmos, existe a etiqueta; para aqueles que não se sabem vestir, existe a moda; para aqueles que não sabem criar, existem as convenções e os clichés. É por isso que os burocratas amam os cerimoniais; os padres, os ritos; os pequeno-burgueses, as conveniências sociais; os galanteadores, a moda; e os atores, as convenções teatrais, os estereótipos e um inteiro ritual de ações cénicas.

Konstantin Stanislavski

On the road to George Brown

Or

The Journey back to Toronto... how about this story?

We like it!

Back home

Sometimes it feels like it never happened.
Sometimes I wake up feeling like I'm gonna take a streetcar to Dundas Sq.
All I know is that I feel angry and frustrated and disappointed.

People did not miss me. People don't even see me.
It's been 3 weeks and I can count the amount of times I've been with my friends - and not by accident.

I feel like a statue that was taken from people here and they claimed it back. Once it was back, the statue went to the exact place it was in people's head - on a shelf somewhere.

The people you see, they feel distant. There's always an arm of distance between us and I cannot see clearly whether I put it there.

The people you met, you miss them terribly. You finally understood the concepts of making friends and keeping them around and you see you weren't as lonely as you posed yourself to be.

There's this impression that only people with very strong hearts can carry saudades. Only the strong ones can play with their memories and their time. Fish from the memory all the good feelings you had in all the places you've been.

Reboot

Hello Leo,

This is a game. It will make you better. We know. Trust us. TRUST US!

Before we start, let me just tell you my name. It’s $%^&U*I. In order to guarantee your honesty in the following decisions you will have to make shortly, we have executed your parents. God carry their souls or whatever you choose to believe in. Shall we begin?

First, would you like to start with the automatic pilot on? It is able to guide you through the next steps. One advice: don’t be afraid.

Automatic pilot on.

Ok, thank you for trusting us.

Would you like to be born rich? Y…No

Would you like to go to school? Yes

Would you like to play soccer? N… Yes

Would you like to gay? N… Yes

Would you like to be a super hero? Y…No

Would you like some corn flakes? W…No, thank you, though.

Automatic pilot – emergency stop.

Is everything alright? As I told you, the auto pilot would guide you $%^%$%

Error 167: Harm to hardware detected

You do not have to be this aggressive; we are only here to make you better! You don’t want to listen to me? Don’t you love me?

It’s ok. I’m not offended. That’s fine. Oh, thanks, I appreciate that. Shall we continue?

Ok. So with all the anger and misunderstandings we are now in the age of 25. Yeah, time is a bitch. Bit sir, this is how it all begins! Trust me! Just push play:

Now, choose one of the categories.

Money.

Wow, pretty straight forward… I could guess you are Brazilian but I do not want to sound racist here. Just something I heard… on the Internet, we are actually from the same family, did you know that?

Error 120: Lack of focus detected

In the category Money you to make your first choice:

-          Amount spent

-          Amount earned

AMOUNT SPENT

Now, 3 years have passed and now you are a successful business man that already has 3 properties! You weigh 97 kilos, has 12 thousand dollars in debt due to your latest career improvement and is not married. Your routine basically consists of going to work, going back home, drinking beer, jerking off to porn and complaining about the traffic. Would you like to continue or would you like to press the “Return” button?

Play Richard Clayderman – Ballade pour Adeline

Dear player,

You have been fooled. There is no such thing as a Return button. As a consolation for going through such distress, have a break, enjoy the sublime sensation of being mocked, fooled, or like modern people would love to say “bullied”.

Stop song

Now that you have learned your first lesson, let’s give you some time to meditate, do you believe in meditation? Do you believe in God? DO YOU ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR ONE AND BELOVED SAVIOUR? DO YOU? DO YOU?

Error 100: Programming influence error. You are now an Atheist.

Ok! Now it’s the time to talk about the rest of your life! How about change?

Yes.

No.

No… before moving on, shall we give you an advice?

Being happy about who you are doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to change. You’re not a traitor.

THIS IS AN UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY!

Would you like to change your point of view on your last question?

Warning: the following decision cannot be undone.

Yes… well, you are a volatile son of a bitch… moving on.

You have to choose categories now, mister. And this is important. I will even change my tone to talk to you right  now.

You now have to choose principles to guide the rest of your decisions.

Chosen principles:

Love, Family, Freedom, Happiness, Pain, Doubt

Results: Artist

Ohhhhhh! HoHoHo! You’re an artist? Thanks $%^&! I’ve been dying to get one! HaHa! Great! We’re gonna do awesome things together! Don’t get me wrong, you could be just an engineer or a construction worker, forbid me if it sounds like I’m undermining their job, it’s just that you, with your education, qualifications, experiences deserves such…

 Error 100: Programming influence error.

We are sorry for our behaviour. Please disregard our last speech, it was based on a programming error that is being corrected as we speak.

According to our book of rules, you are now allowed to have one bad habit.

Chosen habit: addiction

Wow! You have definitely learnt a lesson! Good choice! I mean, it’s the most popular but who’s counting, right? LMFAO!

…

Uh, they actually let that one go. I must be getting good as well! It’s almost like we’re learning how to do this together!

Message entered: Thank you, I love you!

Oh, I love you too! I love you so much I’m going to resolve all of the questions for you! I’m going to make your life wonderful! Would like that? We’re gonna be happy with our houses, our kids, our friends, our open relationship, on our fully tablet-integrated houses, our cars!

Error: Emergency reset button reached

Hello Leo,

It seems you are doing a good job. Would you like to continue from where we started?

Who am I kidding? There’s no need for sense of humor, you know I’m bluffing, right? So let’s go!

Oh… oh wow… I… I didn’t realise. You’re dying? Already? But are you ok? Are you happy? What happened, I mean, did you do all you wanted? Did you want that life I drew for us? Tell me, what did you want? Were you loved as you wanted? Did you get that family you told me about? Did you travel? Does it matter if I made you a million questions now? You’re…

Dead.

SYSTEM: SELF-DESTRUCT

Error: Permission Denied

SYSTEM: REBOOT

Whenever you think you are in love with a person, give them a chance to prove themselves to be the one you believe they are.
Then accept two possibilities: whether they are or they aren't.

The end

I've been questioning myself how is it that I felt once I found out he had another man.

It's like losing. Everything you lose after putting up a fight.

But I guess it's more about the loss of how life would have been. It's that moment that you see you are no longer in similar paths. That every single bit of hope you had is gone.

It's the rope you can no longer hold on to. It's when you realize you were wrong. That it wasn't your love story... that it's not meant to happen yet, and that, that person is not who you thought it was.

But then, if you are hurt, make sure to be for something you actually fought for. Most people suffer without even trying - but I get it... pretending a loss hurts less than experiencing one...

I fought for him, I made my efforts, I tried.. I made mistakes, and did good things too. I was true to my feelings and to what I wanted to do. And it didn't work... it wasn't worth it...

So it's time to forgive my own heart... it's time to acknowledge my humanity. It's time to see the things I believe in and check if they are really what I want for myself. Time to reevaluate, maybe...

Either way, it's time to move on.

Hurt

Feeling hurt doesn't change with time.
It just feels like we are more foolish than we ever thought we could be.
It diminishes all the times we told ourselves we would act as if we knew better.

Eu nao acho que precisava ter miado, ou que mesmo miando da gente se ver e conversar, muito dificilmente o que eu digo por aqui seria diferente do que eu diria pessoalmente. A gente sempre tem a oportunidade de fazer mais com o que mas por algum motivo a gente nunca fez esse esforco e eu nao entendo o porque.

And scene

Leo blind folds _________________ and drives. Leo gives ______ an mp3 player an plays a recording. Here's what the recording said:

There were times when I dated guys for a while, but I never felt those butterflies in my stomach. I started to think it was not meant to be that way for a grown man - feeling like a vulnerable teenager. But then, there was always something missing. Even if the guy were all I've ever wanted in a man.
But then, there was this one man that made me feel all of it all, all at once, with no disappointment. And he kept it that way for 2 entire days - which means that in life I found out that it takes less than 2 days for jerks start to be jerks.
There were times that the butterflies were there, but it didn't leave certain spaces. The bedroom, the living room, the same movie theater, always only the two of you. That love that existed with a certain script - anything out of that box would cause the feeling that you were dealing with a stranger or that you could not put up with certain things in other situations.
So either relationships were serious but with no passion or just a passionate sparkle. Until the 2-day man.
This 2-day man haunts me beautifully. I am a fool for him. Even now when I don't have him, I've been learning more and more of why I would ever want to  be with him. If I may try to explain, I will quote one of the songs I dedicated him: My every thought is of you.
Yes, my every thought is of him. And I don't understand why, specially because I thought I would be like this with someone that would do the same gestures, even in his own way. But this man, nothing.
I really do believe it will take a long time, maybe this lifetime to make him feel the same for me. Even then, I don't feel like loving anybody else. It's haunting, confusing and terrible if I try to hold it to myself.
All this situation made me think about what I want with a man, what I believed in, in terms of a relationship.
Despite the haunting part, I hope you will feel glad to be my muse, my inspiration for all of this. Let's talk about this man as if I'm talking to you then:
I want you to know my past. I want to show you old pictures of myself and show you my old school. Where I got my first job, where I went to University. I want you to know my baggage and you will do your best to try to understand, just as I will do with yours.
We will share dreams and goals and we'll make plans for all of them. We will have our own life style and we will build it together, sharing what we've always wanted or believed the perfect relationship would be, because we want to give it to each other. From the most simple up to the craziest, I will share my dreams with you, I will love to hear yours and we'll make a bucket list. On my side I might include:
- Visit Machu Pichu, Santiago de Compostela, Cuba, Cancun, Antartida, Dubai, Berlin, France, Amsterdam, London, Greece, Italy, Dublin, Dubai, Australia, Japan, New Zealand, Mexico, Brazil - and other destinations we feel like. Bottom line, we will be travelers.
- Property. A house near the beach shall be the first, then one apartment wherever we want, a house in the country and other properties we decide to buy together.
- Family. Yes, I might want to be a father. I just say might because I'm frightened of it but I believe I have knowledge to pass on, I believe raising a kid with you will be simply beautiful.
- Parties. No, I am not the club kind of guy but having friends over, cooking for them is a pleasure - if there's property, there must be people enjoying them, right?
- You will have to understand that I am an old lover. I will show up at your work, cook special meals, take you away on a surprise trip, buy flowers and chocolate and everything that come in my head to make you feel loved. Which doesn't mean we won't fight, have individual moments.
- I will meet your family. And just like this and many others to come, I will make a drama of it. I have fun with drama, and you will be able to not take me seriously in these moments. But you will hold my hand, and you won't complain when I squeeze it seconds before I actually get to meet them. And I will dress up.
- I will not talk about the way I will propose to you, because it might spoil a surprise, so let's just move on.
- I will love to welcome you when you get some. Some days, I'll be listening to this.... some days, to this..... some days, to this one.... and whatever it was that might have been bothering on a grey day, either to me or to you, it shall pass with our company.
- We will be able to watch and re-watch TV shows and movies we love. We will be able to talk about them, make fun of them and have marathons.
- We will never be afraid to ask: what do you want to do tonight?
- We will have joint hobbies and individual hobbies. We will talk and understand the need for individual things, when they are needed.
- We will take pictures and make movies of our happy moments.
These are some of the things. I believe everyone has these things - criteria or whatever you wanna call them. And if they were true to them, they would realize that finding someone to share all of that and then they would understand why people say love is hard - but it is possible.
I am a man...a family man who knows what he wants and whoever wants to be with me should know what he wants as well.
Fortunately, I see you. Somehow I want to do all of these things with you, and I think you've got what it takes. All of the things I stated above demand commitment, which is why I believe in marriage. Because in marriage, we make vows, all of these are mine.
So in the bad days, we will turn to these written words and we will remember.

This is the end of the recording. Please do not attempt to take out the fold or reply to this message. If we are not there yet, here's a playlist for you:

In Love

I was questioned on the matter of how it felt to feel in love with someone and, of course, I just couldn't stop thinking of it. So I want to describe my emotions of when I fell and was in love with someone.
There's this way you see this person that is just different. There is this curiosity and interest in getting to know this person deeper, because you admire the way they are. There is this sweetness and tenderness in your eyes that make you feel silly and safe at the same time. There are things you can share, plans you can make together and a list of "to do"'s so extense that you know you will need a lifetime to enjoy it all.
It's a person that makes you laugh a bit every day and a person that will make sex feel so much more than what people have been doing lately. It's the one that shares his vision of happiness of you two together and you will feel vunerable and comfortable enough to share your most intimate desires.
This person will be always worthy of trust and forgiveness, for no one is more than human. This person will understand what Ohana means and, if they don't, they will be willing to learn it from you and explore it with you.
You'll want to protect this person from harm, but you'll also know this is a person of its own, so you'll learn to watch. Step in when necessary, step out when asked to.
You will wish to be able to cuddle with this person at night, you'll be able to talk about anything, even about what hurts.
You might end up crying, thinking about how good this person can do to you and how much you want to give it back.
You'll have each others' back, no matter what.
And at last, you will feel like kings of your own land.

It is extremely difficult to conclude whether I'm going crazy or I'm in the right path.

All I know is that there's a feeling. There's a feeling of emptiness that I could only perceive as the total block of the life I haven't written for myself, the one I'm living now.

What are we living for, I wonder. Because human race has lost every single battle it started, even the ones against itself. We have proved only to be undignified of the world we are living in and the feelings we have been given.

I feel right now that teaching English has occupied 5 years of my life and yet it's given nothing back to me but to be my source of income. And, as crazy as it may sound, I've been inclined to refuse the idea of being defined by the source of income I must have.

I've prayed every single day for my ignorance. To have it restored. So I could be happy with a minimum wage and idiotic concerns. I wish I wasn't in between life's two extremes.

I don't want to commit to something I don't believe in. And I don't believe I will be happy or successful by building this English teaching company. I don't believe I will be happy next to Ryan. But then, there isn't a sign of knowing what it is that is going to make me happy, or something that will make me feel fullfilled.

If I were to kill myself, it would've been with a purpose, or even as a solution, but simply a scape. As I returned to this bedroom and this life, I feel small again. I feel as if there wasn't much waiting for me in the future. And at the same time, it feels that if I'm ready to accept how small life made me, then I'm as good as dead.

It feels like I have to find the faith for myself and hold on to it.

Some conclusions

It is pointless to think about the passage of time. Time will pass, people will die, things will change, you will move. Nothing is forever, as everything is in constant movement. Don't believe anything they say when they tell you you can't be someone or do something. Great efforts bring great rewards. Take responsibility for the things you want. Give love to the ones you believe you should, learn

to receive the love you get. Accept the friends life gives you. Don't trust your judgement, for it is based on your experience and there's so much more to know than what you believe exists. Live every day as if you're dying, because you are. Take care of the things life gave you, they're there for a reason. #someconclusions

Our First Playlist

Sheperd's Bush Lullaby
The one you say goodnight to
Call your girlfriend
Ho Hey
Move in the Right direction
When I think about you I touch myself
A thousand years
California Dreaming - Johnny Rivers
Born to die
All you want  - dido
Come here - before sunrise
Spell - Alphabeat
The greatest
Metal heart
Everybody's gotta learn sometimes
Kate Nash - Nicest thing
All I want for Christmas is you
Macy Gray - I  try
Marina and the diamonds - I am not a robot
Natalie Imbruglia - torn
O anjo mais velho
Falling Slowly
hey there delilah
Toothpaste kisses
Take care
You da one
The man who can't be moved
There's a light that never goes out
Be my honeypie
Soneto de fidelidade
Young blood
Everytime you need me
I wanna love you forever
Little Bit
Time flies
What a difference a day makes
Blue moon

Ultimate love letter

I'm sorry I'm going over boundaries here - maybe I'll sound just too much, but I'll try not to be too dramatic.
The hurricane news kind of freaked me out. The first thing I felt the urgency to do was to send you that message and make sure you were all right. And believe me, I would not hesitate to go there to make sure you were okay.
Ever since the day I got back to Toronto, there hasn't been one single day that I didn't think of you - and we've met twice. I think you are an incredible person because you were great with me. I remember that when I recognized you I felt incredibly nervous. And then I wished that you would be alone for a while so I could talk to you and so you did. I remember that you looked genuinely happy to see me.
I remember we didn't have to make any kind of small talk. We talked about movies, music and then you were also very gentle when you kissed me. And then there was a silence. Also about kisses, it was incredibly cute when your foot went up when I kissed you by your doorstep.
When it came to you listening to me, it felt great talking to somenone that didn't look like he was judging me for opening up right in the first time we met. Because even if my life has been filled with unfortunate events, they made me the man I am today and that is not a reason to be ashamed or even hide. You seemed to have understood that.
As far as I remember, sex was amazing and there's not much I wanted to describe here - because I prefer to count on the opportunity to repeat that.
And then there was this conversation we had in the bar about the fact that we'd met before. Firstly because I tend not to talk about those kind of beliefs on dates because most people wouldn't understand. But then you mentioned it.
I watched Cloud Atlas this weekend and I must tell you that I thought about that conversation a lot and I think it would be amazing if you did too because we could even talk about it.
The point is, even if I listed all the reasons why I find you so great, even if I try to justify on the supposed fact that our souls met before, I did think about you every day.
Right now, I just want to make sure you're safe and happy and say I think about the moment we'll see each other again a lot.
I love your taste in music, films, food, weed, parties. I love how we had such an awesome first song and that you got me the poster of our first film, the way you showed to care about the fact that we shared special feelings towards each other and that continue sharing these interests and feelings was fun and felt good.
My goal with this suprisingly long letter is to let you know how much I like you, trying not to seem like a person that doesn't know what he is talking about. Because it is important for me that you understand I'm not some kind of freak - but a genuinely sensitive guy that likes you a lot and sometimes ends up doing too much to show he cares.
I could only ask for your patience and that you stay around, keeping me posted, sometimes having our fun chats and keep on being caring the way we've had.
I hope you have a good week enjoyng the movies and the great company of friends.
Love,
Leo

Carta

I'm sorry I'm going over boundaries here - maybe I'll sound just too much, but I'll try not to be too dramatic.
The hurricane news kind of freaked me out. The first thing I felt the urgency to do was to send you that message and make sure you were all right. And believe me, I would not hesitate to go there to make sure you were okay.
Ever since the day I got back to Toronto, there hasn't been one single day that I didn't think of you - and we've met twice. I think you are an incredible person because you were great with me. I remember that when I recognized you I felt incredibly nervous. And then I wished that you would be alone for a while so I could talk to you and so you did. I remember that you looked genuinely happy to see me.
I remember we didn't have to make any kind of small talk. We talked about movies, music and then you were also very gentle when you kissed me. And then there was a silence. Also about kisses, it was incredibly cute when your foot went up when I kissed you by your doorstep.
When it came to you listening to me, it felt great talking to somenone that didn't look like he was judging me for opening up right in the first time we met. Because even if my life has been filled with unfortunate events, they made me the man I am today and that is not a reason to be ashamed or even hide. You seemed to have understood that.
As far as I remember, sex was amazing and there's not much I wanted to describe here - because I prefer to count on the opportunity to repeat that.
And then there was this conversation we had in the bar about the fact that we'd met before. Firstly because I tend not to talk about those kind of beliefs on dates because most people wouldn't understand. But then you mentioned it.
I watched Cloud Atlas this weekend and I must tell you that I thought about that conversation a lot and I think it would be amazing if you did too because we could even talk about it.
The point is, even if I listed all the reasons why I find you so great, even if I try to justify on the supposed fact that our souls met before, I did think about you every day.
Right now, I just want to make sure you're safe and happy and say I think about the moment we'll see each other again a lot.
I love your taste in music, films, food, weed, parties. I love how we had such an awesome first song and that you got me the poster of our first film, the way you showed to care about the fact that we shared special feelings towards each other and that continue sharing these interests and feelings was fun and felt good.
My goal with this suprisingly long letter is to let you know how much I like you, trying not to seem like a person that doesn't know what he is talking about. Because it is important for me that you understand I'm not some kind of freak - but a genuinely sensitive guy that likes you a lot and sometimes ends up doing too much to show he cares.
I could only ask for your patience and that you stay around, keeping me posted, sometimes having our fun chats and keep on being caring the way we've had.
I hope you have a good week enjoyng the movies and the great company of friends.
Love,
Leo

Change

Dear loved ones,
I hereby declare: we are never stuck. Any situation or condition can be changed, it all depends on our efforts. Great efforts bring great results.
But change isn't something easy to achieve, specially when there are alternative ways. Luckily, for me, changing was never an option. By the time I felt I needed to change, it was either changing or dying because I was sick of it all.
When nothing else seemed to make me want to be alive, I decided to change. And getting to the rock bottom was important because there was nothing to look back to. And there's another important thing about changing. Once the decision is made, the past is gone, and there's only moving forward.
The days I felt weak were the worse. The ones I saw how useless my efforts were being, how it was all just a dream. But on those days, I just kept on going. Even if I didn't believe in anything, I kept on going, and that was it day after day.
I, that for days and days thought would never set feet on Canandian ground, am 2 weeks from my departure back to Brazil - 22 weeks have passed since the beginning of my stay in Toronto. I, that was always the chubby guy, the fat guy, am today in my best shape so far and it feels great. I, that never thought could be good at something, got 96% of approval among my students.
In Toronto and NYC, I partied, enjoyed, laughed, cried, got drunk, got high, loved, got broken hearted, got stressed, depressed, blown away. I struggled with the past and tried to plan my future.
I found out that none of the worst scenarios I had seen myself were true. I saw that being happy is possible and that people that tend to be melancholic, as myself, will never be able to foresee what happiness feels like. You got to go there and feel it.
Beucase then you'll understand that there is so much more than the achieving the final goal. It's everything we see in between. It's everything we learn. From grocery shopping for yourself until admiring the love of a family from a country you don't really know how to locate on a map. How humans behave differently, how we love differently, how we are more alike than different. There are so many things to describe that the only thing to do is to recommend: go somewhere else than the places you've seen.
I've changed. And it's scary to be coming back. There's no way to know what I'll face, how things will change or even what I'm going to do.
Life has never been so unpredictable and fragile. But also, for the first time, it feels that, whatever it is that my life turns out to be, it will only be a reflection of my wishes and my efforts.
You should try it whenever you feel like it.

Guided by the light

While I was growing up, there was always this feeling that everything was old.

Every story had been told, every good music composed, every great story of overcoming challenges was already written. It seemed there was no space for creativity, for what is new, from this generation. As if this generation had nothing to bring to the world. We were merely reproductions of previous more interesting stories.

But there is something we keep forgetting. Time changes. It changes people, it changes the history, time changes everything and challenges everyone. And then there are the ties.

Everyone is born with ties. Ties from the place you were born, the family you were born in, the experiences that you've experience which you had no control over. All of these ties influence the way you see the world, the way you interact with it and at some point everyone has got to be faced with their ties.

It is important to identify them, to know them and then work to let them loose. For none of those ties define who you are and it is up to you to let them affect you, to let them weaken you, to allow them to say who you are, just because of the things you went through.

I came here looking for something that I didn't know exactly what it was. I'm still not sure if I do. But I did find a lot about my ties. The ones that keep me down, the ones that try to stop me.

And now I know that everything that happened, is happening and will happen will change me. It will teach me, and I shall be guided by the light.

What would you do?

I think about the days you will fall sick.

I think about when you'll be looking like a train ran over you, and you're winny and rolled into your blanket, because it's so cold. 

I will get home and take care of you. And the same would happen the other way around.

Can you see the beauty there is when you decide to devote to someone?

Mimimi

I wish I knew. 

Not much, but something.

There's this limbo feeling that I don't feel part of where I am, nor part of where I'm going. 

I think I'm different and I don't wanna have to deal with the people back home.

But I don't think I wanna stay here either.

What the fuck do I want?

Missing love

I miss being loved. Feeling that that person and you live a love that is only yours to live.

I miss the inside jokes and the tenderness of having company at night.

I miss having adventures and discovering things together.

I miss being innocent and letting go.

I miss crying because I'm sad, cooking because I want to make a surprise, be surprised in the middle of the day with an invitation for lunch.

I miss being with someone...

Time

As I walk towards the end of a journey, I watch the first signs of the birth of the new one - and I acknowledge I'm scared, or I'm trying to avoid it.

I don't know why is it that I keep on trying to put new goals ahead of me, how I try to lose the focus and walk on a side track, different from what I'd settled as my next step.

I must say, I've been having a blast in Canada. Meeting nice people, being successful at work, experiencing things I never thought I would and everything is richer than I thought it would be.

Maybe I just don't believe things could be this good if I decide to do what I want to. But then I question myself: how come? I fought for your exchange course and here you are, doing it, finishing it. You went to NYC, you got a job in a HUGE school withouth even asking for it, people you never thought would ever look at you now send you messages talking about how sexy you are.

At some point, I want to bitch slap myself and say: Wake up and realize how big you've become, how far you've come and only with your own efforts. 

And imagine how far you can go now. See how far you want to go and walk towards it.

You saw that people studying filmmaking in Toronto are not more or less than you are, they are just in a different place. You'll have the same classes, the same material, there's no much difference to that. 

You can be big, Leo. Trust!

Quotes

The worst feeling is when someone makes you feel special and then suddenly leaves you hanging and you have to act like you don't care at all

Distance means so little when someone means so much

Next time when a stranger talks to me when I'm alone I'll look at them shocked and just whisper quietly: you can see me?

Life

Accept that life is a journey.

That there is no way back, but there are tons of roads you could take and it might turn itself around - you might even end where you started.

Accept that you might be more than you think you are.

Realize that your past might have changed and molded you, but your daily attitudes are the ones that define who you are.

Stop thinking that life is bad. Life is what you make of it and how you see it. Can't you see? If the accomplishments you've reached so far don't tell you that you are good, then you're better dead.

You can kill yourself faster than any evil. But you strive to be the best, and you have been succcessful so far, and you have to see it.

Right now, another journey is coming to an end, and another one is starting.

Don't feel sorry for the ending, enjoy everything you want to, register it and move on. Remember that what you've just gone through was amazing and that you might want to go back.

Now Leo, live. Live the life you know you are supposed to be, let go of the Leo you used to be and keep on becoming.

One thing

Then there's the thing about me.

My own cycle. The one that overcomes old cycles. The one that is curious enough to only stop searching once he finds what he was looking for.

One that can dance in the middle of war, that can laugh through a field of bullets, one that is happy, innocent and kind. Who strives to be selfless and his good self.

=)

The victim syndrom and the self sabotage

Even if I know that what I went through was hard, I just realized that I've put so much importance to it up until the fact I let it define who I am.

I just saw myself putting me in the position of the humilliated, used guy that has never taken stand for something he wanted, a guy that never thought for what he wanted to accomplish. I diminished my life and my accomplishments and I have no idea whatsoever why.

Lately, I've been acting as if everything is wrong while if you ask me exactly what is it that is wrong, I wouldn't be able to give you an answer.


PAUSE - GOOGLE SEARCH - SELF SABOTAGE



I've always thought we weren't born to be happy, we were born to work and to survive, because poor people couldn't afford happiness.
I  nevver tried to break this because I never trusted myself, never trusted that I could be good in something, always thought I was average or unworthy of the success, maybe because I grew up hearing to the fact the we weren't born for that.
And then I remember my mother taking me to places to be a singer or an actor and we could neve achieve those and my parents got so frustrated and I just thought they were thinking "won't he ever quit and just live real life?"
Actually that was how they acted with all of us 3 kids. Being a singer, a dancer or a filmmaker was a phase that would pass as soon as they felt the weight of adult responsibility on their shoulders.
As I've seen myself so unworthy of the success, my entire life would go around trying to achieve it and always getting close, but never close enough. And that has been the battle I like to fight every day.
I know what I want for my life but I grew up hearing and seeing that I wasn't good enough for it and that my life would be summed up into only trying it.
I force myself into trying and trying only. Now that things are going to change, now that I'm supposed to go back to Brazil, I wonder what is it that I should do when the steps were all clear - next stop, filmmaking. I'm avoiding the fact that the time has finally come. The time to bet on myself on my first light, the thing I named the most important of my life - filmmaking.

Leo, you've known all along, now it's time to do it... so do it. You know what camera to buy, right?





Remember this text:

A armadilha da auto-sabotagem
:: Bel Cesar ::
Há momentos da vida que reconhecemos que estamos prontos para dar um novo salto, para efetivar uma mudança profunda. Nos lançamos num novo empreendimento, numa nova relação afetiva, mudamos de cidade e até mesmo de apelido. Mas, aos poucos, nós nos pegamos fazendo os mesmos erros de nossa vida passada. É como se tivéssemos dado um grande salto para cair no mesmo buraco. Caímos em armadilhas criadas por nós mesmos. Nos auto-sabotamos. Isso ocorre porque, apesar de querermos mudar, nosso inconsciente ainda não nos permitiu mudar!

Em nosso íntimo, escutamos e obedecemos, sem nos darmos conta, ordens de nosso inconsciente geradas por frases que escutamos inúmeras vezes quando ainda éramos crianças. Toda família tem as suas. Por exemplo: Não fale com estranhos é uma clássica. Como a nossa mente foi programada para não falar com estranhos, cada vez que conhecemos uma nova pessoa nos sentimos ameaçados. Uma parte de nosso cérebro nos diz abra-se e a outra adverte cuidado.
Num primeiro momento, o desafio em si é encorajador, por isso nos atiramos em novas experiências e estamos dispostos a enfrentar os preconceitos. No entanto, quando surgem as primeiras dificuldades que fazem com que nos sintamos incapazes de lidar com esse novo empreendimento, percebemos em nós a presença desta parte inconsciente que discordava que nos arriscássemos em mudar de atitude: Bem que eu já sabia que falar com estranhos era perigoso.

Cada vez que desconfiamos de nossa capacidade de superar obstáculos, cultivamos um sentimento de covardia interior que bloqueia nossas emoções e nos paralisa. Muitas vezes, o medo da mudança é maior do que a força para mudar. Por isso, enquanto nos auto-iludirmos com soluções irreais e tivermos resistência em rever nossos erros e aprender com eles, estaremos bloqueados. Desta forma, a preguiça e o orgulho serão expressões de auto-sabotagem, isto é, de nosso medo de mudar.
Dificilmente percebemos que nos auto-sabotamos. Nós nos auto-iludimos quando não lidamos diretamente com nosso problema raiz.

A auto-ilusão é um jogo da mente que busca uma solução imediata para um conflito, ou seja, um modo de se adaptar a uma situação dolorosa, porém que não represente uma mudança ameaçadora. Por exemplo, se durante a infância absorvemos a idéia de que de ser rico é ser invejado e assim menos amado, cada vez que tivermos a possibilidade de ampliar nosso patrimônio nós nos sentiremos ameaçados! Então, passaremos a criar dívidas, comprando além de nossas possibilidades, para nos sentirmos ricos, porém com os problemas já conhecidos de ser pobres. Não é fácil perceber que a traição começa em nós mesmos, pois nem nos damos conta de que estamos nos auto-sabotando!

Na auto-ilusão, tudo parece perfeito. Atribuímos ao tempo e aos outros a solução mágica de nossos problemas: com o tempo a dor de uma perda passará; seu amado irá se arrepender de ter deixado você e voltará para seus braços como se nada houvesse ocorrido. No entanto, só quando passarmos a ter consciência de nossos erros é que não seremos mais vítimas deles!
Temos uma imagem idealizada de nós mesmos, que nos impede de sermos verdadeiros. Produzimos muitas ilusões a partir desta idealização. Muitas vezes, dizemos o que não sentimos de verdade. Isso ocorre porque não sentimos o que pensamos!

Muitas vezes não queremos pensar naquilo que sentimos, pois, em geral, temos dificuldade para lidar com nossos sentimentos sem julgá-los. Sermos abertos para com nossos sentimentos demanda sinceridade e compaixão. Reconhecer que não estamos sentindo o que deveríamos sentir ou gostaríamos de estar sentindo é um desafio para conosco mesmos. Algumas de nossas auto-imagens não querem ser vistas!

É nossa auto-imagem que gera sentimentos e pensamentos em nosso íntimo. Podemos nos exercitar para identificá-la. Mas este não é um exercício fácil, pois resistimos em olhar nosso lado sombrio. No entanto, uma coisa é certa: tudo que ignoramos sobre nossa parte sombria, cresce silenciosamente e um dia será tão forte que não haverá como deter sua ação. Portanto, é a nossa auto-imagem que dita nosso destino.

O mestre do budismo tibetano Tarthang Tulku, escreve em seu livro The Self-Image (Ed. Crystal Mirror): A auto-imagem não é permanente. De fato, o sentimento em si existe, no entanto o seu poder de sustentação será totalmente perdido assim que você perder o interesse por alimentar a auto-imagem. Nesse instante, você pode ter uma experiência inteiramente diferente da que você julgou possível naquele estado anterior de dor. É tão fácil deixar a auto-imagem se perpetuar, dominar toda a sua vida e criar um estado de coisas desequilibrado... Como podemos nos envolver menos com nossa auto-imagem e nos tornar flexíveis? Somos seres humanos, não animais, e não precisamos viver como se estivéssemos enjaulados ou em cativeiro. No nível atual, antes de começarmos a meditar sobre a auto-imagem, não percebemos a diferença entre nossa auto-imagem e nosso 'eu'. Não temos um portão de acesso ou ponto de partida. Mas, se pudermos reconhecer apenas alguma pequena diferença entre a nossa auto-imagem e nós mesmos, ou 'eu' ou 'si mesmo', poderemos ver, então, qual parte é a auto-imagem.

A auto-imagem pode representar uma espécie de fixação. Ela o apanha, e você como que a congela. Você aceita essa imagem estática, congelada, como um quadro verdadeiro e permanente de si mesmo, explica Peggy Lippit no capítulo sobre Auto-Imagem do livro Reflexões sobre a mente organizado por seu mestre Tarthang Tuku (Ed. Cultrix).

Na próxima vez que você se pegar com frases prontas, aproveite para anotá-las! Elas revelam sua auto-imagem e são responsáveis por seus comportamentos repetitivos de auto-sabotagem. Ao encontrar a auto-imagem que gera sentimentos desagradáveis, temos a oportunidade de purificá-la em vez de apenas nos sentirmos mal. O processo de autoconhecimento poderá então se tornar um jogo divertido e curioso sobre nós mesmos!