One of those days

I wish there was a place I could go, and at this place there would be other people.

They wouldn't do anything but look at me and listen.  I would say: I feel lonely, and I would like to laugh.But I want no words. No jokes. Make me laugh but use no words.

I would laugh and I would know. I would remember that all we are doing here is playing. Nothing is really that important, nothing matters that much.

The specifics hardly matter when the outcome is death.

These so-called humanities of nowadays only make my head spin in anger, shame, guilt. I feel so human and so wild that social rules and behaviour for me is only one.

Some people would say I have a strong personality and I do, however, it seems I have learned to repress it so bad that I totally turned into something else. Quiet, pleasantly responsive.

I have this glance of who I really am in life, but it seems so different from who I am being nowadays.

You know what, the brain is the most amazing thing.
It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
Ever since the moment you are born up until the moment you fall in love



O cérebro é fantástico. Funciona 24h por dia, 365 dias por ano, desde que vc nasce até o momento que vc se apaixona.

Things that were easily found went missing after you. If you were to take so much, why did I give? What did I lose? Can I get it back? Could you do me this much?

Insisting

For now this will be the last of what you'll hear from me.
This is just because it seems I took you too seriously. There hasn't been one day since we met that I haven't thought of you. Did I tell you how crazy I think this is? Did I tell you how sometimes when I'm with other guys talking, smoking and even fucking I almost say your name? How I look at all kinds of stuff and I think "I'd love to show Adam this".
All of this I've been thinking is not healthy. Because whenever I think of someone to be with, there's no one I'd rather spend more time with than you and the inability to get interested in anyone else, well, I could just justify with being in love with you.
It's been 5 months and it seems that you don't want us to go far. And I don't want to be someone's brazilian lover, I wanna be someone's boyfriend, husband. And I think that saying "it's hard because you live there and I live here" is just bullshit.
Distance isn't hard, it's part of the fun - getting your love close to you. It's part of what a relationship and love is supposed to be.
I will never measure my efforts done for love but I need a man that is willing to give the same because we'll be in this shit together.
Don't misunderstand me, I will always, always be waiting for you to show by my doorsteps. But if you didn't come to stay, I can't afford the heartache.





Hey Adam,
I don't know how well aware you are of this, but my intentions with you are not fleeting. I hold you very very dear and it sounds crazy even to me, but there hasn't actually been one day that I didn't think of you.
You know what I do, I try to write beautiful things, I try to make the sweetest gestures I can but the truth is that I've been trying to see future for us, whatever it might be.
There are things I wanna do with my life and one of the biggest of them involve being in a relationship and you touched me in a way that I never thought anyone would and I fell in love with you - I guess you've got that figured out by now.
I don't think distance is hard - it might get challenging sometimes, but the whole point is to make it go away eventually.
Despite saying things that suggested you like me too, you never made your intentions clear and more and more it looks like you've been playing games with me.
I want to be crystal clear about it all: I want to get  you know you better and spend more time with you. I know distance makes it challenging but for me there won't be anything much more important than family, so I'd take the challenge gladly.
It's not about being anything right now, it's just about heading towards the same direction.
I wish you all the best and to your family as well - Jill is included here.
I'm gonna try to leave you alone by now, but never forget I'll always be waiting for you by my doorsteps.
Hope you had a great nye.

o amor.

- Voce ja se apaixonou?
- Sim
- E como foi?
- Foi bom pra caralho.
- Hahaha, bom assim?
- Eh! Eh tipo querer sorrir o dia todo. Eh tipo querer dar bom dia praquela vizinha fofoqueira. Eh ter uma pessoa em pensamento que esquenta o coracao. Eh o esforco para garantir a felicidade de alguem que vai garantir a sua tambem. Eh alguem para voce construir um imperio de uma vida que voces dois querem para si.
- Mas e cade seu amor?
- Ah, foi embora... ele faz isso as vezes...
- Por que?
- Pra gente tah sempre descobrindo ele de novo... ele muda, cresce, foge, fica, fica, fica e um dia vai.
- Complicado esse amor, neh?
- Que nada, ele entende das coisas...
- Nao parece... parece que ninguem nem sabe o que ele eh e todo mundo fica tentando achar o que e por que.
- Viu?! A gente nao esquece o filho da puta nunca...

Goodbye

Dear Adam,
Goodbye.

Goodbye for I no longer have the strenght to keep up with, what seems to be for the most part of it, mind games.

Despite all the signs and some things that you said, I kept on making efforts to try to win you over, make you feel loved and like it coming from me. Whatever it is I call it, all of my efforts seemed to be useless.

The questions I would like to have answered are the following:
- Were you just playing pretend with me?
- If yes, then why would you do this to another person?
- If not, why didn't you try harder?

I love you in a way that it just can't be rationalized, I've tried. I've tried summing and subtracting to make you disappear from my head, but it just doesn't happen. And it seems the more I try to forget, the worse I wish you were around. And let's face the fact it would be the best for me to just move on and get away from you.

Fact is, and always will be, that I will always be waiting for to show up by my doorsteps. You are the guy I thought that something could work out - and I never thought I would be willing to do the distant-relationship thing. But as you said, you are selfish, manic and lazy and I can't be with a man like that. I don't think you are those things, I just think they are what you were thinking about giving to me.  Maybe you think that's all you are or maybe you were just saying something to make me satisfied and shut me up.

I could never surely get whether you were giving me your best or your worst, but the doubt can no longer haunt my thoughts before I go to bed.

Anyway... falling in love with you, having my heart broken by you changed me. And I can no longer be broken. It's time to pick up the pieces, move on and never look back.

You fucked me up real bad but I wish you all the best.

The end

- Oh well...
- Well what?
- I'm not sure what you expect, but, you know...
- No, I don't, how could I?
- You don't have to...
- You were about to make a point
- It's complicated... you live in Brazil, I live here
- Oh so that's it?
- No, and there's me. I'm selfish and manic.
- You're not selfish and manic, you're just american.
- What?
- I'm sorry, really... seriously I'm gonna jet.  I don't know, but I can't listen to your shit anymore.
- Excuse me?
- Look, be happy, be here, be stuck. Live here with everything that you will ever need, because everything is here in this city.
- No, that's not what I meant...
- I need a man, alright? I need a man that understands what it means to want to be together. A man that gets that this is it. The stories I tell about myself are the leaps I take in life. And whoever wants to be with me needs to be enough of a man to understand that. You clearly are not. You are lazy, you make no efforts, you reply a fucking facebook message and think that's enough. You know what you should learn? Great efforts bring great results and until you're willing to make a real one, you're gonna be living in this shitty self-pitty cycle you call life. Can I go now? Why the fuck am I asking you that? Bye.