Fight for love

Love can go to waste. Love has been losing battles. Love has been forgotten.

There might be people out there in the world that are just doing stupid things because they don’t know where to put their love. Love is the only thing the human race owns. When you think about it, all kinds of inventions human race has created turned into a way to control humans. It all comes down to money and its derivatives.

Am I stupid for thinking like this? Does it show I have no emotional intelligence? Or is it the fact that I believe in love that makes me unique? Will it become boring to hear me talking about how we should love more in order to live better?

Is this just a phase and eventually I’ll go back to being whatever it is I’ve been that didn’t love this much? In fact, I think I’ve always been like this, with this big heart and deep soul. I've neglected my innocence because that’s what the world told me to do, just to end up becoming who I once was – but somehow, stronger. Somehow with the sense that if I choose to be myself and I know what I’m signing up to.

Some of it has to do with romance, some of it with being true to myself and who I am. All of it seems the same. The same complaining, the same commenting… well, that’s not true. I’ve been constantly changing, every day I have new thoughts, I write more. They might be around the same topic but they are definitely new perspectives.

All and all I feel I’m more confident, more of a man, more of myself than I ever recall being. It’s like a ground zero for me. All that has happened changed me in a way I can no longer go back and who I became brought a path I should take by myself. The greatest rewards come from the greatest efforts and I am willing to do all I can to pursue whatever it is my heart takes me.

How can I have gone through all I have and still have this passionate vision? Are life’s scars gone, or am I just blind? Am I a goldfish?

I think I wish I weren’t like this. I feel cheesy, lame and naïve. It’s as if for the first time anger doesn’t drive me. It’s as if love is motivating me now. And how is it that being driven by anger is more acceptable or normal than being driven by love? Why is it that this word makes people want to reject it? 

 

First letter to God

Dear God,

Once again I find myself in challenging times. Money is short and might be gone soon. Add to that the debts and bills – it seems I’ve gone too far this time.

Loneliness is cruel and there’s not much more to that. It makes me lose my breath and get desperate.

And then there’s Adam who is the person I’ve always dreamed to be with. I know I’ve felt “this time it’s right” before, but you do know I wouldn’t take these risks again if I thought it wasn’t true.

Rather than that, I should acknowledge everything is perfect. Great success in studies, I found a job without even looking for it, I met great people and I was able to pay last month’s rent and metro pass. Hopefully I’ll have all I need to eat this month. Also I’ve started to learn how to manage my finances and expenses.

I thank you for it all: the good and the bad, because both of them have been great sources of knowledge and learning.

As for the future, I pray for discipline, patience, work and love.

Discipline so I stick to my routine and keep on having success in managing money, patience on the bad days, work so I can get back on my feet and well, love. As for love, I couldn’t thank you enough for putting Adam into my life. The only thing I ask is for him to stay. Please don’t take him away… don’t tell me there’s something to be learned from him being away from me, because he is the one.

Help me feeling the way I do in hopeful days, when I feel I’m fine and everything is going to be great no matter what.

I love you, feel you, thank you and give you my heart for you to fill my soul and involve my mind in your wisdom.

Forever yours,
Leo

The internet is a lie

Dear Adam,

The internet is a lie I’ve put up with as for as I can remember. I had never realized how cold it actually is.

These last 2 days have been so hard. There’s this emptiness I know is meant to be filled by the ones I love. 

What I’ve realized is that great bonds shall only be built with great efforts. And what a bigger sign of laziness than the internet? Even if you actually hear and see the people you on a screen, there’s the emptiness. Which made me realize that what is physical matters.

Writing an e-mail, chatting or messaging only involve typing. We can type as much as we want, we can send when we want that everything just got so convenient, but what warmth comes from that? A letter means: thinking about what you want to say, actually writing it, reading, rewriting, reviewing. And then finding an envelope, stamps and then posting it.

It’s a lot of work for those who send and such a great gesture for the ones that receive.

It’s also the opportunity to make the receiver feel you. Firstly, because it’s something handmade and secondly because it’s a chance to do your best. Perfume the letter, include a picture or a gift.

There are so many aspects and so much effort into writing and sending a letter that it should be impossible for the other not to feel the love, the tenderness. It’s like sending a part of yourself and no such thing can be done through the internet. 

We’ve been fooled into believing that we have a lot of people in our lives. None of it is true. Friends are not made through clicking on a request, love isn’t nurtured through a conference call.

There is us, and then who we love. And in between there is what you can do to make your life fuller, stronger, more lovely. But it takes effort.

This sounds so basic and yet it seems to be forgotten. Well, not by me. I’m still here. Pen, paper and I can give.

Love from your gato,

Leo

The first letter

Dear Adam,

It’s a shame we adapted to electronic memories. That communication got so easy. People ended up making life so convenient that we actually believe it got easier. I don’t think it did.

We are faced with all these ways to meet new people and we get to see that there are so many people in the world and well, it’s like a toy store. But then there’s the magic we forget, the unknown.

How is it that some people cross our way and stay and others just pass by and life just goes on? What is it that defines people you are going to meet? Is it just chance? Is it written?

The funny thing is that, as I see it, it doesn’t matter what we have around us as ways to meet new people, we’ll only get to meet the ones we are supposed to in life. And I wouldn’t dare to try to understand the mechanics and reasons for that. And because of all these possibilities and wondering I kind of freak out.

I seem to have been running against time all the time. Trying to figure out my professional life, personal life, love life. It is what being able to do anything I want gave me – this need for a taste of it all, all at the same time.

I feel I should learn how to breathe better. Maybe just closing my eyes for some time or just writing – and enjoy this moment I’m taking to dedicate my thoughts to you.

I hope this letter finds you well, I hope you’ll enjoy receiving a letter and that you’ll feel as special as I want you to feel for the way I remember you and the feelings I have for you are very special for me.

The worst part of being distant is the not knowing, experiencing, sharing what you feel. It all comes down to the fear of you not to feel the same way, looking at this letter feeling sorry for my efforts. I’ve always been afraid of the rejection, even after learning how to deal with it. I guess it’s about avoiding the pain.

But for now, I won’t mind. I will share my thoughts, who I am, even from this distance. Basically it makes me happy and for me that’s enough. It’s part of learning how to enjoy and appreciate time, my feelings and what I need to be happy.

To conclude, I quote a T-shirt I saw on the street, and took it as a personal message: Anything can happen when you are truly committed”. 

Lots of love from seu gato,
Leo

Breaking down again

Remember every single tear you shed today. Every single prayer you made. Remember every single feeling that made you cry your heart out and get through this moment. Remember you are more than you think, and you can achieve more than you can imagine. And just keep following the heartlines on your hand.

 

Still learning

I must say it is extremely hard to keep child’s eyes and be an adult at the same time. As an adult, I’ve learned I shouldn’t love anyone more than I love myself, that people begin and end relationships and everyone lives to tell, that feeling in love is not the most important thing in life, that loving has to have a more objective perspective, that we have to play safe when we are meeting someone new. 

As a child, I just want to be free of the risk of being stupid. Write love letters, confess love with dramatic poetry, send everything I can, write and record songs, videos. Do everything as if I were living in a movie – blockbuster, no brains. 

And then, there this me that writes you. The one that wants to make my loved one understand that I am still learning and that no matter how experienced I get, I always feel I’m being the kid of a situation – the one that has no emotional intelligence, the dramatic, immature guy. I’m desperately trying to make this person grow up to be the one my loved one will be sure he wants to be with. I want to do the best I can for him, so this is why I might end up falling in love with him.

I know that this intensity in love exists in each and every part of me, but I’ve been hurt and I want to avoid pocking scabs. So now I just wanted him to understand this part of me. That it calls for him and is beautiful, but still quite dangerous. Its hazard is what I’m trying to control, at least now I see it. 

And it seems I understand now. There is no way we’ll be as intimate as I want us to be through the internet, a webcam, some chats. I need to look in his eyes to tell the stories, to hear his. What I want to share with him can’t be achieved now.

So what is it that I feed? Being far away?