Demon #6

There is this smothering feeling when I think about him. It’s the feeling that now we know each other, I feel the need for us to live everything intensely and for once. The fact that I cannot express myself physically having him next to me made me feel so lost.

It’s like you first realize you are in love with a person. There are the butterflies, the fear that he will forget you, leave you, remember you as a summer love.

There was this impression that he is perfect, and therefore I should do all I can to make him stay with me. It is such a bad feeling. It’s not like loving a person, it’s like trying to assure that he is yours. If I could put it in a character, I would compare it to Prince Geoffrey – Game of Thrones. A kid that wants a lot, acts as if he were an adult and does stupid things claiming for the right reasons. 

It felt like I wanted the world to be mine and his. As if we had to live it all before it ended, which apparently would happen very soon. And I can’t feel like this, because overall it makes me feel more bad than good. It was that moment I saw myself bitching “I want him and I want him right now!” – just like a kid. 

Thanks God I’ve seen myself as this kid that has to have what he wants, when he wants, the way he wants all the time. And it’s incredible that right now the challenge set is pretty simple: you’ve had some of it, you want more, you want it all, but you have to wait. You have to accept the course of things, you have to trust that what you have will last long.

In a way, it certainly calms me down because if I let things happen naturally, live more with happiness than angst I can trust that if we are meant to be, then we will be. And the more I want and ask for guarantees of something real, the more I might just push him away. So I just want to tell him I miss him not for that desperate need for response, but for the fact that I do miss being next to him. That I have a loving memory of the days we’ve spent together.

And then my anxiety level has to drop. Occupying time is important because I take more care of my life than think about issues – whatever they are. Yes, I believe I should tell him it all. The way I feel,  the reasons I try to keep in touch all the time – not because I desperately want him, but because he is basically one of the few I have and want to talk to lately. I’ll try not to focus life on the online contact between us, but I will follow my heart and always keep in touch.