Still learning

I must say it is extremely hard to keep child’s eyes and be an adult at the same time. As an adult, I’ve learned I shouldn’t love anyone more than I love myself, that people begin and end relationships and everyone lives to tell, that feeling in love is not the most important thing in life, that loving has to have a more objective perspective, that we have to play safe when we are meeting someone new. 

As a child, I just want to be free of the risk of being stupid. Write love letters, confess love with dramatic poetry, send everything I can, write and record songs, videos. Do everything as if I were living in a movie – blockbuster, no brains. 

And then, there this me that writes you. The one that wants to make my loved one understand that I am still learning and that no matter how experienced I get, I always feel I’m being the kid of a situation – the one that has no emotional intelligence, the dramatic, immature guy. I’m desperately trying to make this person grow up to be the one my loved one will be sure he wants to be with. I want to do the best I can for him, so this is why I might end up falling in love with him.

I know that this intensity in love exists in each and every part of me, but I’ve been hurt and I want to avoid pocking scabs. So now I just wanted him to understand this part of me. That it calls for him and is beautiful, but still quite dangerous. Its hazard is what I’m trying to control, at least now I see it. 

And it seems I understand now. There is no way we’ll be as intimate as I want us to be through the internet, a webcam, some chats. I need to look in his eyes to tell the stories, to hear his. What I want to share with him can’t be achieved now.

So what is it that I feed? Being far away?