Hope

It feels like life is so big right now.

I'm 7 weeks away from my departure back to Brazil and today I felt as if it was wrong, that I'm supposed to stay. I remembered the days I felt like I wasn't home in Brazil and that, independently from all of the things I've been through in Canada, I never had a day like that. It has always felt like home in here.

My room looks like my first room. I took a moment and photographed it because I thought about how I would remeber it in 15 years. 

And then I saw a picture of my friends and one of my family. I thought about all I'd been through since this moment, all that was going on in my head, things that could happen... and something came to me... such a simple sentence that had such an impact on me: My life is so big right now.

There was a lot ahead, a lot behind, a lot now. And in order to appreciate this moment fully I just had to be strong, because it was a lot. It is the top of the first fall in life's rollercoaster.

Some part of me felt messy. I could feel it and it was bad, but I also know it's changing. All I have to do is be patient and open, so I can make wise decisions.

It time to step up my game, be more of a serious man, take the responsibilities that my wishes carry along with them. Time to build that self-confidence that wouldn't allow anything to make me weaker. It would be possible to see me beaten, but never defeated. That was my definition of a man, a brave man. Someone that would take whatever life gave him and he would make the best out of it because he knew that if he wasn't living with love in his heart, then he was as good as dead. A man had to understand that life was hard, sometimes unfair, and overall overwhelming and in order for it to be worth it, a man should be wise. Because anyone can easily get blinded by all that life became about. They can get drained into realities they were put into, they could forget or even never have the knowledge of what it means to be free, which we all are.

I could feel this calm, peaceful and mature side of me but I also knew it wasn't part of the whole me. I didn't know if it was suppose to take over who I am, or if it would be just a part of me. Either way, it is good to know I have this inside of me. It is good to feel peaceful sometimes. 

I am happy with who I am becoming, I don't how much more I will change, but I do know the parts of me I want to be bigger parts of me. This free guy... if you listen to "Shake it out" and you will understand. It's the feeling you have with this song.

Life starts to feel vibrating for the first time, but I don't know if this is the beginning, if this is it or the ending. I guess it depends on how I feed my hope, control my actions and feel the happiness that I've been entitled to feel - all the grace in the world.