A post from June

Pride weeekend finished yesterday here in Toronto and the things I've realized have few to do with the pride events themselves. It all comes to, of course, self discovery.

There are these moments that solitude makes all sense in the world. The feeling of experiencing something you knew existed but never thought you would actually live it. Those are moments when you feel full by yourself. Moments you get to experience personal accomplishment. it makes it feel the world is a place to be explored. Makes you believe you are an explorer, and explorers travel alone. They will find others and with these, they will bond. Love and caring will be distributed among other explorers. The ones that are always stuck, will remain as such and we will be more like devils than angels in their lives. Makes you feel it's only the beginning of something that only you can start.

And how easy is it to deviate from that path of discoveries and life! Right now, we are men who are stuck. Stuck on assumptions, life styles, social projections we try so hard to achieve. We have been living for the others in the wrong way.

I'll state this relating it to a personal experience. As a gay guy, I saw myself conditioned to being around the gay community all the time. Working out, drinking alone, trying to find a special guy to have a relationship with. What made me feel like home just turned to be a place I don't want to be a part of.

It was like I was looking for all my life aspirations on the same place, all the time. Of course, I do believe some day a guy would come and make it all different, but then I started to see the amount of time and money being wasted on this matter.

How long had I been trying to fit in, looking at others trying to find myself? That is why I got fat in the first place. Look at others to find myself, find whoever I wanted to be and forget about myself. forget about how wonderful I could be if only I looked to myself. I would still go to the gym, but I would look other activities as well. I would be and do things that are related to who I am and I would live and experience life as I thought it would be for myself. Not for the society, for what people thought is safe and sound.

I am spending money in beer and bars trying to find friends, love, experiences and I has basically come to my mind that it is so stupid. You wanna live, go do things you think you should. The places you achieve your goals are where the best people are. People that understand what it means to live and fight for themselves and among those people there shall be your love, your new friends. For all of them know and understand what is like to be in an explorer's shoes.

It sounds like I've been having to change the perspective on life, friends, people, work, money. I had a 100% ready picture of all of them went together. Now it seems I saw the whole picture wrong, as if there were two ways to build this jigsaw. Right now, as I scrambble part of the pieces I put together these old problems and old matters with new connections, as a different bigger picture.

And I've also taken action for these interesting facts. Do the tours I can, stay in the room but make it safe, buy what you have and want to buy. Visit places, feel the world!
That's why the trip has been feeling bad! It hasn't even started! But now you have the feeling, the eyes you're trying to build, you seem to have been figuring things out good, so keep on going.

July is set as discovery month. First, a bucket list will be done, while attractions in Toronto will be visited. If necessary, a loan will be taken with the bank, you will also work so the loss won't be that great.